The home run is the American sporting accomplishment, Ralph Wiley tells us, and it is hard to argue with him. A home run is the great manifestation of techné in modern team sport: a harmonious meeting of quickness, power and precision that seemingly defies the science of human ability.

It doesn't matter if one, some or all guys in the clubhouse or on the beats or in the TV stations like you every single day. You are a home run hitter. Period. End of Story. And you, the Home Run Hitter, sit at the head of the table of the American sporting pantheon. You are the Big Dog Eating.

There's more than science to the HR, however. Tellingly, the home run is also known colloquially in baseball circles as a dong. This seems a little odd, though, since the act of going long would technically be the ejaculate from the wooden dong of the baseball bat.

Regardless, Rafael Palmeiro has 528 of these money shots to his credit, making him one of only 19 men in American baseball history to reach the 500HR plateau. These exploits make Palmeiro a candidate for enshrinement in Cooperstown — perhaps modern society's most conspicuous example of accumulation and nostalgia.

Yes, Rafael is priapismic, and Viagra is willing to pay big money to tell the world all about it.


Everywhere else in the libidinal economy, produced sex circulates and freely exchanges with capital. But not so in the promotions for Viagra. Erectile Dysfunction is a Grave matter, a Hysterical matter of Aging and Death, so this segment of the libidinal economy is driven into the subliminal, whether it be via the sudsy car wash that takes place across the street from a dour old woman with a droopy garden hose, or via the long wooden bat that extends from Palmeiro's burly frame.

The baseball spectating public is outraged at the possibility of Barry Bonds' Homeric output being tainted by the use of THG or other performance-enhancing steroids, for fear of ruining the game's integrity. Viagra's sponsorship of Palmeiro, then, must strike one as ironic.

Courtesy of PfizerPalmeiro, at the age of 37 a young man who claims he "doesn't really need to use" Viagra, is in fact a 99: the hyperreal spokesperson of the aging ED demographic, which also comprises Major League Baseball's core audience. Though outraged at Bonds, these same individuals have no problem with Palmeiro's baseball-usurping off-field achievements being facilitated by sildenafil citrate, which, too perfectly, comes in the form of a pill shaped like a baseball diamond.

"Nobody wants to get old. Nobody wants to change. Nobody wants to die," Wiley says. "But 500 home runs live forever, heavenly so."

Courtesy of Pfizer


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